Bren Ryder

My muscles are aching. Right above my shoulder-blades is that good soreness. Holding the camera up to my grinning face for hour-long takes on our Femme Circle Jerk scene has left my muscles a little tired.

This weekend was a shooting weekend. The first one in a little while. All the models set their day aside to be on set for this amazing scene. After a few changes of plans the crew came together about an hour before we got started. The day quickly began to smoothly sail along as we all got settled into the living room of a friend of the Good Dyke Porn Team. The theme was simply for a group of femme queer women to get together, wear fun lingerie and masturbate with their favorite toys.

It was beautiful. The women were truly stunning. The orgasms were sweet, vocal, multiple and wore everyone out by the end of the day. I just kept thinking, This is so beautiful. By the end of the day I felt very proud of what we had done, eager to watch the footage and get started on the editing: one of my favorite parts of the job.

This euphoria was soon shattered when I realized that no audio was recorded at all. Not on either one of the cameras. Turns out the one camera that had working audio wasn’t plugged in properly. It was my fault. I was trying to do too many things at once. I had a great crew – just a few of us. I like to keep the crew fairly small to facilitate a more intimate environment. Unfortunately, I’m too unorganized to ensure that accidents like this don’t happen. Besides that I’m still trying to get the video off of the tape – yet another technical difficulty that I hope to overcome. The future of these beautiful images are uncertain and this fact was crushing to me. I felt so disappointed and worried that I was going to disappoint everyone who gave so much to the shoot – the models and the crew.

I am very conscious about remaining positive about my life not matter what is happening. When it comes to hard times, it could be A LOT worse. (Hello! Femme Circle Jerk!) I am hoping to recover some video, but sometimes these things happen. I’ve shot nearly 20 scenes and haven’t had any significant problems. I suppose I was due for a big one. But, besides that, I feel like this business needs to get organized.

Now my intention is to obsessively get organized and create systems to materialize my greatest dreams. Then I will use that same obsessive energy to decrease the amount of work I do to accomplish these dreams. It’s a vision I’ve had for myself and for what I want to accomplish for a long time.

This new phase of work is a combination of a few of my favorite books: anyting by Deepak Chopra, Getting Things Done, 4 Hour Work Week, E Myth Mastery, The Type-Z Guide To Success: A Lazy Person’s Manifesto for Wealth and Fulfillment.

Can this lazy labourer make the business successful, create hyper-organized systems and orchestrate a life in line with a clear and inspiring vision? Stay tuned.

Day 8

I got up early, got my hour in first thing, went to work and came home and caught up on little things. It was a very positive day. Inspiring. Well, it was only half a day of work and the sun was shining so it was completely lovely.

Day 9

My goal for this experiment was to change the self-defeating belief that I didn’t have enough time in my day to get all the important work done on the business. Part of that experiment was to repeat the phrase, “I have a lot of time in my day”. And, wow, I am a lot more powerful than I thought I could be. As of today, I really do have a lot of time in my day. I was fired from my day job.

Day job over. Experiment over. No more condensed one hour days. It’s time to kick this shit into gear. Now, I have to make this work. I have to make this work make money. Or I don’t eat.

Day 4

Totally back on track today. I got the precious hour done first thing in the morning. It’s such a great start to the day. An intensely focused hour of doing only the work that will move the business forward. At one point I was checking something and caught myself and realized I wasn’t using the time as planned and immediately got my focus back.

And I’m actually saying that sentence: “I have a lot of time in my day”. I have it written down on an index card on my desk to remind me. I think I’m noticing the difference. The day doesn’t simply disappear when I’m conscious of the time that is there.

The most painful part of truly feeling all that time in my day is experiencing the agony of my day job. It’s taking everything I have in my to keep this job. I’m not sure if that’s laziness or if that’s a sign that I shouldn’t be doing that job or what, but for now I need to eat and pay for a roof over my head. I’m incredibly grateful that I have a job and that I can count on money coming in every two weeks. Someday I won’t need it, but for now I do. I accept that. Someday I’ll look back on this time with nostalgia. It’s the end of an era. It’s a simple life. The life of a window cleaner.

Day 5-7

Today was the first day of completely going off the rails. If I was following the habit forming “rules” then I’d have to start over and begin again at Day 1. The idea is that once you have successfully done 30 days of your preferred behaviour then the habit has been formed. I’ve only done the 30 day experiment once before and that was to form a habit to get up at 6am everyday. I did it. I got up everyday at 6am for 30 days straight. The habit didn’t exactly stick, but it’s a lot easier for me to get up then whenever I need to and I do intend to set up that habit again in the future.

For my experiment on changing my beliefs – from “I have no time” to “I have a lot of time in my day” – and squeezing all my most important work into one hour per day, I am going to keep going for the next 30 days. I want to stick with it. I’m not going to start over. I’m doing to observe myself over this time and keep trying to re-focus my attention on changing my beliefs and getting my important work done.

Tomorrow is another day. So far, I’ve learned that to get the most out of my “work hour” i need to do it before I go off to my day job. That’s not an easy task, but it’s incredibly effective. That’s what I’m going to try this week, everyday.

Day 1

I admit it. On my first day I cheated. I worked more than an hour. But the nearly two hours that I worked today felt really productive and focussed on what was essential work. Plus, I “worked” all day (I put that in quotes because I’d prefer to think of my work as what I do for Good Dyke Porn, not the 8 hours of window cleaning that I was referring to) and I had down time. It was a beautiful day.

As for the positive affirmation, I didn’t say it out loud three times. Well, actually, I did. I whispered it this morning, said it out loud on my way home from “work” and now as I’m about to go to bed… I’ll say it right now. There three times out loud. It feels a bit awkward saying a phrase outloud to myself, but it feels powerful at the same time. I have my essential tasks set up for tomorrow and I’m excited to get my work done – one hour at a time. As I get deeper into truly condensing work into a shorter time frame, I know my answer to accomplishing this is going to be.. to delegate.

Day 2

I got my hour in first thing in the morning and I am very glad of that. I am slowly starting to believe myself when I say (outloud) that I have plenty of time in my day. However, the last portion of my day was so unproductive that I feel incredibly relieved that I got that work in first thing in the morning. The great thing about this hour of work that I am doing is that the work that I have to do is VITAL work. It’s the work that needs to be done to move the business forward, to make money. I don’t spend this hour organizing my files or anything administrative. Only important business emails are allowed. And no planning during this time – only doing.

Besides working at this experiment to eliminate the self-defeating belief that I don’t have enough time, another important belief change is that I need a lot of time to get my work done. This “work hour” is intense and I get a lot of work done, but only what’s important. The only thing left to do for today is to decide what my most important tasks are for tomorrow morning.

Day 3

I didn’t do my “work hour” this morning before the work shift and damn it, but didn’t that just blow the whole day for working. Well, my task was just to put in one hour of work this evening and unfortunately that didn’t happen. It’s unbelievable how other tasks and persistent procrastination gets in the way of working on something that is so important to me.

The purpose of this experiment was to change my belief that I don’t have enough time to do everything. Turns out I have tons of time, but I don’t seem to be using it wisely. But, for now, I’m intending to focus on creating that time in my day. Tomorrow I will be sure to get that “work hour” over and done with first thing in the morning and continue to tell myself that I have a lot of time in a day.

After working my day job I am going to k.d. lang with two ex-girlfriends, so I’m not going to have time to work in the evening. And I won’t want anything weighing on me when I leave for the evening. The morning has to be my time to get the essential work done. I’m now going to review my tasks for that hour and makes sure that everything I’m doing is immediately vital to the success of the business.

I have a lot of time in my day. Believe it. It’s only Day 3.

The title of this blog is: “Confessions of a Pornographer”.  I confess, I am a pornographer.  As a pornographer, people make certain assumptions about me.  They assume that I’m sexually promiscuous, seeking out casual sex, attending sex parties and orgies on a regular basis.  And when I’m not doing that I’m watching hours and hours of porn.  Here’s the biggest confession of a pornographer:  none of that is true.  Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and I like porn.  I’d seriously be in the wrong line of work if I didn’t.  I also really like having sex on camera, which has surprised me.  I fancy myself quite the voyeur.  I confess, I like to watch.  But, being naked, exposed, vulnerable and fucking a woman equally as vulnerable is seriously hot.  I think there might be a touch of exhibitionist in me, after all.  Plus, it’s a really great excuse to have sex with someone who I might not have otherwise.  There’s no time for being shy or inhibited when the contracts are signed and the equipment rentals are booked.

In my personal life I don’t tend to have sex just for the sake of having sex.  I need to be really attracted to that person.  It’s a chemical reaction.  There are so MANY beautiful and amazing women in this world whom I love dearly.  But, there are so few with whom I feel that intense chemical reaction.  And when I do and she feels it too, watch out people, hot sex on the horizon.  Invariably, I’ll fall in love with her and either vow to spend the rest of life making her happy or I end up alone with the memory of the scent of her neck pining for what I’ll never have.

Interestingly enough, this doesn’t change much of my self-identification of a polyamorous porn star.  This intense sexual connection doesn’t only have to be with one person.  Chances are it won’t happen again for a long time, then wham multiple reactions all at once.  I say, don’t limit yourself.  When the connection is there, embrace it.  Life is a series of negotiations and intimate exchanges with people we love, just some more than others.

1. Tell People You’re a Pornographer.

It was the end of summer.  Labour Day had come and gone along with so many parties and fun beautiful women.  Time to get down to work.  I’d been talking about making real dyke porn for a while, so I made a page on the website explaining that I was looking for models and crew and created a profile on Superdyke.com – the lesbian online hangout for queer women in Vancouver.  Within hours I had nearly 10 women who were interested in performing.  I was jumping out of my skin with excitement.

One of the women who messaged me was Geneva.  She sent me some photos of herself and we set up a coffee date to talk more.  My first impression was, “Are you fucking kidding me?”  She looked hot.  Meanwhile I was also messaged by Alex Craven who said she was interested in performing for a porn scene.  I arranged for all of us to meet and before long Geneva and Alex Craven committed to shooting a scene for me.  Perfect.

2.  Walk the Talk.

It was important to me to get started shooting as quickly as possible.  Many people talk about making some porn, making it different from what already exists, but few people actually do it.  I wanted to be one of those few that do.  We scheduled the first shoot for Rememberance Day weekend.  The two months prior to the shoot was enough time to meet, talk about what was expected, what they wanted, what I wanted, secure some investment money, get all of our STI clinic results, find a crew and book the equipment.

3.  Always provide Martinis.

Geneva and Alex Craven were booked for Saturday and another eager participant was booked for Sunday.  She came to this project without a porno partner.  After discussing the options, I decided to move from behind the camera and do a scene with her.  We were essentially strangers to each other and our scene was meant to be just that – two strangers hooking up for the first time.  One week prior to the shoot I invited all the cast and crew and their partners out for martini’s so everyone could meet each other before getting busy in front of the camera.  The evening was lovely and the martinis delicious, but as soon as it ended everything began to fall apart:  The next day my Sunday scene partner cancelled on me.  Her open relationship with her long term partner suddenly closed.

4.  Don’t Give Up.

Now, what would Good Dyke Porn be without some good old dyke drama.  I immediate set out to fill the Sunday vacancy with someone who would generously share their body on film with less than a week’s notice.  bjROMEO become that woman.  She was awesome.  We only messaged online and talked on the phone before the day of the shoot.  She was in town only briefly and she bravely shared her experience of masterbating for a couple of women with video cameras in their hands.  Check out her solo scene in the members area.

I scouted out the location at Alex Craven’s place and set up Saturday’s shoot as planned.  Everything seemed to be moving along smoothly, right up to the day before the shoot.  I was out driving around town taking care of a few errands when I got the call.  First, Alex called to apologetically give me the news that she was no longer available to shoot the scene.  Unsurprised by this sudden infusion of drama, I assured her that the shoot was not important.  Two seconds later Geneva called me to update me on the situation.  Things looked bleak.  My first shoot and it’s hitting obstacles at every turn.  Before hanging up the phone with Geneva, I desperately tried to salvage the weekend.  Would you like to do the scene with me?, I timidly asked.  Sure.  Yes.  Of course. She responds.

5.  Take One For the Team.

So there I was scheduled to fuck on camera.  I was happy to do it – take one for the team – so to speak.  At the same time I was completely terrified.  On the day of the shoot I spent about 5 hours preparing the scene.  I think I was a bit nervous.  We put together a minor plot – Geneva paints, Bren Ryder videotapes her, then they screw.  Besides that brilliant plot, we decided that Geneva would dominate me.  I’d never been “formally” dominated and she’s an expert, so I asked her to do her thing.  She wouldn’t tell me what she was going to do.  She wanted to keep everything a surprise to me.  It felt good to let go and let her smack me around for a bit.  It was a sexy little taste of her domination talents.

6.  Be Yourself (especially if you’re a porn star).

Performing in the first scene I ever shot for the website was an incredible experience.  It was fun and sexy.  I felt excited by the possibilties of creating this porn and being so exposed and vulnerable.  And have you seen Geneva’s tits?  She’s a fucking gorgeous woman – in every way.  I’m at a loss for words to describe the scene.  You’ll just have to watch it for yourself.  One thing I can tell you, though, is that the final clip may appear as though it will continue, but, it doesn’t.  About one minute after Geneva declares, “I’m not going to cum, yet, I refuse”, the tape ended, the battery died and the crew had to leave.  Geneva and I decided to go on without them, but the video didn’t turn out.  I did have a massive orgasm, though.  If you’d like to hear it, I pasted that audio onto the film festival film, Good Dyke Porn.  Check it out.

7.  Believe That Anything’s Possible.

In the end, the first weekend of shooting was a success.  Eventually, Geneva and Alex Craven got together to shoot their scene.  You can find their exclusive, sexy scene in the Members area.  If you enjoy watching Geneva, you can see her in an upcoming role playing scene with Créme de la Créme.

8.  Appreciate Your Good Fortune.

That’s all I have to say about that.

This is the blog article that inspired BrenRyder.com. Disguised as a how-to manual, this is basically a story of how I got started and how a person’s path can be very individual. Originally published on GoodDykePorn.com.

Here is the official step-by-step program on how to become a pornographer. Follow it precisely for the result of fame and fortune. Not really. Actually, it’s a very personal description of how I came to be a pornographer.

1. Be an artist:
People who go to film school and play with their video cameras in an artistic way like to call themselves filmmakers. I am a filmmaker. I wrote papers on films. I made 10 minute shorts at the instruction of “real” filmmakers. It’s a passion. It’s my creative outlet. I love creating films. But, I never got into the film industry. The job aspect of being “in film” didn’t appeal to me. All I wanted to do was make artistic personal short films and maybe do some writing. But, how could I possibly live doing that? My love of creative independent films lead me to ask the question: How can I make an artistic short film that people will want to watch over and over. Answer: porn.

2. Be a geek:
Computers, computers, computers. I’ve always had one either in my house or at work so, you know, like most people I’m familiar. But, this process has been an amazing learning experience. I learn by doing and I don’t have any trouble spending hours and hours in front of the computer learning how to create a website and integrate a content management system and turn a vision into reality. The porn industry is the best way to learn internet technology. By the time I’m through with all this I’m going to be quite the skilled self-taught geeky techno pervert.

3. Be a victim of men’s sexual violence:
Women have issues around sex and sexuality just by being in the world and being women and we all have to work through them at some point and hopefully come to a place free of shame and lovingly acceptance of our bodies and our sexuality. But, there isn’t a better way to be faced with major issues surrounding sexuality than being sexually assaulted. Whether it was child abuse, date rape, chronic coersion, or just plain old sexual assault from a stranger, we, as women, are put to the task to make right what was once altered by a man.

I was in a relationship with a man in my teenage years that was just abusive enough to cause damage but not enough that I could realize it for years to come. As a result, once I became an adult lesbian woman who stopped ignoring everything that was slightly painful, I began to explore my sexuality and discovered a whole new world. I’m still exploring that world. The world of sex. And what better way to do that than videotape other people’s sexual fantasies and have sex in front of the camera myself. This is just one part of all the many things that have contributed to my journey to pornography, but, when the goal of making porn is to show the beauty of sex, the pride of our bodies, the intimacy we share, and the adventure of making ourselves vulnerable then my own personal goals were dying to be one and the same.

4. Dream about what you really want:
I have always had crappy jobs here and there and travelled and lived in different cities. I’ve started a few one-woman run businesses. I was never much into the idea of “having a job”. Seems kind of ridiculous, doesn’t it? Everybody needs to have a job. And I’ve worked a lot in my life and continue to this day. But, I dream of greater things. I dream of spending my days creating films. I dream of working at my own time at my own pace for however long I want to. I dream of making an impact on the porn industry by creating positively sexy films of real queer women. Crazy! My dreams have always kept me from committing to a “good job”. I was always worried that it would trap me and that I’d never be able to let go of the security of the job and take chances like I am now with starting and running this website. It’s also led to step #5, but, I believe my dreams of greater things are now finally taking me towards those wonderful things – a life I can only dream about.

5. Fail at achieving any semblance of a career:
A lot of people who I’ve talked to say they really would love to do porn or be involved in the creation of it in any way, but they have to consider their career. They’re lawyers, doctors, teachers, youth workers, etc. That’s not me. My other job is a window cleaner. The guys who I work with are very happy to hear about my porn endeavors. The porn isn’t going to hurt my career as a window cleaner. I used to think I needed a job eventually. In the past I considered becoming a firefighter. I’m not sure how porn and the fire department would’ve mixed. I suspect not very well. Well, of course, the men there love their porn, but to be a comrade who is actually in that porn – not so much. I chose to discontinue my pursuit to become a firefighter and turned all focus on the website. All this happened at the same time as a major life change.

6. Get dumped:
Truthfully, getting dumped doesn’t accurately describe what happened. It was much more amicable than that. But it does sound quite dramatic, though, doesn’t it? What is true, however, is that the end of a long term relationship pushed me towards massive change. It was at this time a took the leap. I didn’t have anyone but myself to be accountable towards and if I wanted to start a porn company, then I was free to do so. And that’s just what I did.

7. Be comfortable with poverty:
Living in Canada I don’t really experience poverty. I am an able-bodied adult so work is easy to come by. The trick is to follow your dream and start your own business with very little start up costs. I chose to not work for a long period of time while I set up the website, shot and edited the footage, studied software, internet technology, researched the porn industry and turned my dream into a reality. Now, I am poorer than I’ve ever been and I’ve racked up more debt than I’ve ever had.

8. Have faith:
Now that I have a functioning website, plenty of encouragement and potential for the future, I’m going back to work. I have to. This means more of my time is occupied with what one calls “work”. Work for money, work for the website, work for blogs, and work on trying to manage all that while still spending time with people I love. I have faith that my work will one day pay off. All the money I owe will be paid back. The crappy day-job will be no longer necessary and I will be making a positive impact on the lives and sexualities of women, transfolks, and men around the world.

9. Find god:
Starting this business has been one of the most ambitious things I’ve ever done. The first thing I needed to take care of was my self-discipline. I knew that I had to make improvements on getting things done in a timely manner if I was to realize this dream. In my google searches and visits to the library I was constantly exposed to spiritual ideas on personal development. I’ve never been a religious person, but the more I read the more I began to embrace the ever popular ideas about positive thinking, non-physical worlds, and living with love in mind. Suddenly my goal to become more focused on the tasks at hand became a goal to love everyone and everything unconditionally and to create films out of love for the highest good. You’re probably laughing at me now. I would too. I’ve turned into quite the flake these days. But, let me tell you my friend, I’m friggin’ manifesting all over the place. Dreams do come true.

10. Be vulnerable:
When I first started to think about this project I had to figure out whether I wanted to do this as my second life – with a second personality – or if I wanted to just be me and be open and exposed. In the past I’ve been a very private person. I wouldn’t share personal stories on the internet or have much to do with anything online at all. If I participated in a discussion forum I would be very vague about my personal life and I didn’t invest much time into online activities.
I came to the decision that if my goal was to capture the real vulnerability of sex and porn and expose it in a way that’s truly beautiful and free of shame, then I needed to do the same with myself. I believe that there is no shame in sex between women, in watching porn or performing your sex for others to see. So, part of my mission became to expose myself not only physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Artists make themselves vulnerable by showing their work to others. I do that. People may like it and they may not. So, let’s take it further. I expose my body for everyone to see. Some may like it others may not. Then, I’ll blog about it. People are free to judge me any way they see fit. It’s beyond my control.

11. Practice infinite patience:
I did it. I created the site. I have posted the footage we shot in preparation for the launch and continue to create more and more scenes. Now I just need to provide as much value through the site as I possibly can and wait for the day when I am not only earning enough money to live by and helping others earn money as well, but also truly making an impact on women’s lives and changing the perception of the pornography created by and for women.

Welcome to my first musing. I am writing online for the first time without painstakingly editing and critiquing every word that I write. I’ve decided to completely expose myself and show you what goes on in my mind, with my body (porn), the business, my finances, my spirituality and my mistakes.

When I started this business I had no idea what I was doing. Now that a couple of years have gone by and the website (GoodDykePorn.com) has been live for nearly 10 months, I’ve learned a lot, but, I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m doing it anyway.

The beginning of this blog is definitely something new. It’s a level of sharing and exposure that I wasn’t prepared to do until now. Sure, you can go to the website and see my cunt, but to read my thoughts, to learn about my mistakes, to see my naiveté… that’s something completely new.

Enjoy.