Avoiding Dyke Drama
Photo by Javiercit0.
As a pornographer of dyke content you’d think that I would experience my fair share of drama. In general, however, my life is fairly drama-free. Well, you can’t avoid it completely. Some people who enter your orbit are a bit more high strung than others. But, like Oprah says, you can’t control what happens, but you can control how you react to it.
Looking back there have been a few dramatic moments over the life of GoodDykePorn.com. There’s been break-ups right before shooting a scene, a back-outs because of jealous girlfriends and most recently a canceled scene that upset one person much more than another.
Sometimes people get mad and start acting kinda freaky, but, I don’t see that as being dyke drama exactly. I think what would have turned the situation into drama would have been an extreme reaction from me. I know that in some of my intimate relationships I’ve gotten mad because they were mad, but when it’s a creative acquaintance who’s freaking out, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t have to react adversely and as much as I’d like to help them to not be so mad I simply cannot take responsibility for their emotions. When someone calls my phone multiple times in only a few minutes then it’s obvious that they have difficulties handling an emotional situation. Perhaps there’s something I can say to help and perhaps there isn’t. My policy is to be as clear and straight-forward as possible, but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Sometimes I proudly proclaim that I live a drama-free life. Although, I wonder if that’s simply an expression of my cold cold heart. People can act really messed up because of past damage or current mental health issues or rock hard patterns. But, I don’t really care. It’s sad. I can see that. I look at a young woman fly off the handle and I feel sad. Similar to the way that I look a starving child in an impoverished nation on the news. It’s sad. But, I refuse to take it on. I refuse get angry.
I’ve always felt this way. I’ve always wondered why people get so worked up about all the bad things in the world. I’ve always thought that action is a much better way to respond. The biggest flaw in that philosophy is that I rarely act. I see horrible things, hear about all the bad news and choose not to get upset over it AND I choose not to do anything about it. Is that apathy? I’ve heard that anger can induce action. I’m not so sure I buy that. I find people who get really angry and affected by the drama around them fancy themselves to be non-apathetic, thus, better. I question that.
I hear that peace is the way. I rarely see people practicing that method of change, however. Maybe that’s because the angry people get all the attention. Maybe that’s because “getting angry” has been held up in such high regard by people who claim to be changing the world for the better.
This world is complicated. A lot of people are very hurt and some of them are going to spread their hurt through anger. I wish them well. I will not take it on. I will not embrace their pain. And, until the day I choose to do something that will change the world that contributed to their pain, then I will not care.
Follow me on my journey as I figure it all out.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Damn. I do care. An hour long conversation with drama girl later, I feel more like a counselor than a pornographer. I can accept that. I still won’t take on their pain, but if someone is in need, then I will help any way I can. I can talk on the phone for a little while.
November 17th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Do you really think this is “dyke drama” per se or “artistic employment drama”?
I understand that because of the nature of your work, those who show up for work have slightly more complicated relationships to each other that impact their work than, say, two office workers would normally have. But I’ve worked in employee relations in the past, and there are some people who are simply high maintenance and require what I consider an odd amount of hand-holding for a professional engagement. I, too, have often felt as if I should have had a psych degree for the amount of personal counseling that I found myself engaged in, in order to get someone back to work, to deal with a professional work issue, or to get them to move on.
I’ve been a lesbian for a long time and I’ve had my share of dyke drama. But moving into the employee relations field made me realize how complicated and emotionally intertwined a lot of people’s work lives are. Lesbians label our drama, but my experience is that it’s not exclusive or most extreme in the lesbian world. Have you watched a Jerry Springer show? Straight people are crazier than lesbians.
But detachment, paradoxically with compassion and humor, is essential if you are going to be involved in any leadership role that gets people out of an eddy and into the flow. Whatever the eddy is, to whatever that flow is.
You can always empathize with a feeling without eating it. I don’t think this indicative of a “cold cold heart” (though that is a dyke drama worthy phrase :->) but a supremely compassionate heart. You can’t help someone if you are swallowed by what swallows them.
Best.
Aerope
November 17th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Aerope,
What an excellent comment.
It is to be expected that by being in a position of leadership I will be needing to coordinate the dramatic expression of people’s emotions.
It’s important to me that participants of Good Dyke Porn come away with a positive experience. And, if, for instance, someone gets sexually rejected, thus losing their paycheque at a time when they’re feeling especially vulnerable, then I’ll be forced to rub up against their pain and hopefully help turn that around.
Your point of view has helped me put things in perspective. Good or bad, detachment is something I excel at. Thanks for helping me see that compassion can exist right alongside detachment.
Bren
November 17th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Bren,
Might I suggest that you emphasize “professionalism” to your actors/models/employees/contract workers.
What separates their work from home videos is that pay check that you mentioned. This means that a different, higher, standard of work professionalism is expected of them, than of amateurs or volunteers or friends just playing around.
My guess is that your folks aren’t really clear about what work life is supposed to be like for someone in the professional porn industry. Lack of a clear and shared understanding of work behavior expectations is a problem common to small businesses, small or newer non-profits, family businesses. It’s surprising how little folks know about appropriate work behavior - this isn’t a reflection on their goodness, it’s just a learning curve. We can’t all know everything. And by virtue of your position, you become teacher or coach in chief.
This is where your leadership is essential. There is a way to gently and calmly remind people that sometimes people may be out of a role or a job because of an intangible that may include lack of “on-screen chemistry” or “on-screen incompatibility” ; that this does not mean a person isn’t sexy or fails to demonstrate required sexual skills, but sometimes, surprisingly, things don’t work well on-screen. Really try to help them depersonalize and professionalize what, I assume, can be a personally deflating rejection. You will find yourself in the role of teacher as well as leader. You are teaching your folks how to be professionals and rightly earn their paychecks and open career opportunities for themselves.
In my experience, managing people is one of the most difficult things to do. It takes a high degree of skill, patience, and courage, as well as a willingness to teach, to listen, to learn, while you maintain a larger vision of your business mission and how you want it to grow. With a steadiness and self-assurance that reassures everyone whom you lead. Detachment with empathy, compassion, and humor is a big help.
I did take a peek at your videos (:->) and saw that you take on multiple roles - as director, actor, DP, as well as CEO of your own company. I can’t imagine how you manage such a complex set of duties and responsibilities. Each on its own is a big job. Clearly it is something you are managing now, and managing well. But as your business grows, you might want regularly revisit how well multiple hats continue to work for you.
Best wishes and good luck for continued success.
Regards,
Aerope
November 17th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Aerope,
Sounds like you have an excellent grasp on the whole employee management thing. You make great points regarding that.
The thing is that the models can act however they want. There is no implied professionalism needed on their part. They decide what they want to do and I bring the professionalism to ensure their vision goes of without a hitch. Radical, no?
The drama that occurred recently happened to intersect my business, but it wasn’t about “the work”. It was about that particular person’s emotions in regards to another particular person. Since the models are free to cancel a scene at anytime if they don’t feel comfortable then sometimes other people are affected.
I’m comfortable taking on a small role as a support system for a short period of time so that they can walk away feeling good. But, it actually didn’t have to do with managing employees. It was simply about ensuring someone’s existing pain - that briefly touched my life and my business - was somehow softened by my presence. Or not, because I don’t really care. Remember?
All in all your advice is great and business roles are important to constantly re-evaluate. And, letting models know exactly how free they are, is as important as letting them know how professional they might need to be in other situations.
Yours,
Bren
November 17th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Bren,
Yes! Quite radical. A remarkable vision about how to insure that what occurs is entirely consensual and that the creative power and vulnerability remains in the hands of those who choose to reveal or share an intimacy with strangers.
It sounds much more process oriented, moving to a goal or an outcome, but not outcome driven. A much more organic process than I suspect is usual. And more subject to the potential emotional vagaries and outbursts that might interrupt the process or change the outcome.
Kudos to you for daring such a less linear process, but it has clearly been successful for you.
Thanks for taking the time to chat and share your approach to your work. It has been interesting, and I’ve learned something new. See, you end up teaching, even when you didn’t mean to.
Kindest regards,
Aerope