Bren Ryder

Yesterday I posted a scene of myself on GoodDykePorn.com – solo style. It was actually filmed a couple of years ago for the short film, Good Dyke Porn, that made its way around the festival circuit. Only about 10 seconds of that footage was included in the film. The reason I created it was for the sole purpose of exposing myself to everyone, to make myself completely vulnerable. I’ve always thought that the best art comes from people who have allowed themselves to be totally exposed and vulnerable. Usually that exposure isn’t sexual or nude in nature. It tends to be a raw exposure of their heart and soul.

The internet has been a great place for many bloggers to use their ability to write to expose their lives for public scrutiny. I have no doubt that many people revel in the privilege to voyeuristically judge friends and strangers anonymously from behind their computer screens. These days, peering into each others lives is common place. But, still, there is a lot of shame, negative connotations, and prohibition around exposing ourselves sexually.

I know so many women who feel badly about their bodies. It is unbelievable. I’m not immune to it myself. In fact, I love that I just so happened to be in the best shape of my life at the time my scene was shot. I definitely prefer to see less fat on my body. I’m still going to post another, more current solo scene – a few extra pounds and all. And, I keep trying to telling myself how much I appreciate the body that I do have: healthy, strong, moderately flexible, able body. But, it’s hard to escape a lifetime of pressure to be thin (never mind that, I believe our negative focus on our bodies actually makes us fatter).

Besides all the body issues, my mind focuses on the fear of exposing my sexuality. I don’t even want to articulate what those fears are. It seems silly to be self-conscious about something as individual as my genitals, my orgasms, the way I move and what gets me off. But, I’m so open to judgment. People may have a certain idea about how I should look and act and when that’s violated then – oh gosh what would they think? I’m being sarcastic now, because really, who gives a shit what people think? People are capable of judging me every minute of everyday. I can’t stop them.

I think we need to see more of women’s bodies getting off on their own terms: whether it’s a solo moment, an intimate coupling or a manifestation of a fantasy. Every woman has a beautiful outward expression of her sexuality. In my dream world there is no insecurity, no shame, no wishing and hoping for something we’re not. There is only pride, acceptance and confidence in our wet cunts and throbbing nipples.

When I started this project I never imagined that I was going to go in front of the camera. I am so shy and a little fearful of sex. But, I believe in my own philosophy so much so that I feel like my participation is itself a revolutionary act. I really do believe that women should be proud of their cunts and willing to reveal themselves as sexually vulnerable.

We are all different and I want to see those those differences. It starts with me.