Bren Ryder

December is suddenly upon us and we’re zipping through it like nobody’s business. That’s how it feels to me. Last month I set the intention to participate in the NaNoWriMo – National November Writing Month – and write everyday for a month. It didn’t quite work out. I got behind and lost interest pretty quickly. I’m a Gemini so it’s hard for me to stick to anything for very long. But, I don’t feel bad about it. It was my first attempt. Perhaps next year I’ll stick with it a bit longer.

My intention for writing during the month of November was to create a Dyke Porn Manifesto. It is my one goal for 2009 and I was going to spend the month producing a lot of words and then take December to edit it all into a comprehensible manifesto. Since that didn’t happen, I’m going to alter the plan a little bit so I can still achieve my one goal for 2009. Next week I’m going to spend one full day writing out everything that’s in my head that says all I need to say about the Dyke Porn Manifesto at this time. I have one day to get it all out in writing. Then, when I take my Christmas holidays I’ll be spending a week in the middle of the prairies during the frigid winter with my parents. So, at that time I’ll put the words together in a concise article that will be available for viewing on the blog. That’s my new intention.

Intentions are funny. Whatever you intend is always something that you really want because to intend for it is to place a strong desire on making it happen. But, at the same time, for the magic of intention to really work we need to be unconcerned about the ultimate outcome: unattached. This is not to say that I don’t care about achieving the outcome of my intention but if it doesn’t come into fruition then I am comfortable with that as a potential outcome.

Perhaps that is what is meant by being unattached. It is simply being open to all potential outcomes. One potential outcome is getting every wish and desire granted. It is possible so I have to remain open to that. The absence of the ideal outcome is also a possibility and I need to be open and accepting of that possibility, as well.

I could intend to win the lottery. But, I have to be willing to do what it takes for that to happen. I would have to buy a lottery ticket regularly and allow, for the rest of my life, to either win the lottery or not. All outcomes need to be allowed to exist. Personally, I don’t actually want to win the lottery. It doesn’t appeal to me at all, so I don’t buy lottery tickets or think about wanting to win.

These days I’m thinking about a future where I write for my full-time income. By accepting that I may never achieve this I am making room for the existence of all possibilities including my most desired outcome. So, like buying a lottery ticket everyday, I simply begin to do what’s necessary to write for a living. I write. If you are reading this then you know that I’m already getting started in achieving this outcome.

But, when will my intention be realized? How long should I keep trying, keep intending? That depends on how badly I want it. I think the length of time it takes to achieve my most desired outcome is going to be  paradoxically linked to my ability to be unattached to the outcome coupled with the intensity of my desire to achieve it.

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Writing is a relatively new venture for me. I’ve written papers in University and I’ve been keeping a journal for many years. But, eventually I’d like to turn writing into another art form that I can use to share my perspective of the world with anyone who’s interested in reading it. I’m not exactly sure how it’s all going to come about. For now, I’m content to continue to develop writing skills, see what’s important to me, figure out what my perspective is and write in my blog. The problem is that I feel really self-conscious about it. I’m shy. I joke about my shyness to my friends because I’m a porn star to a certain degree – to the degree that I take off my clothes and fuck on camera for the purpose of making porn. But, I’m shy.

I don’t post blog articles on here as often as I’d like to but when I do it’s usually about how I feel about things or what I’m up to. Currently, I have two categories for my blog articles, “Me” and “The Work”. Most of the time it’s about both of those things. Because why would I be writing about me if I wasn’t writing about the work I’m doing and how could I write about the work I’m doing without writing about myself.

My intention for this blog has always been to share my life with you. I figure it might be interesting to see the mundane goings-on of a dyke pornographer. Everything I do is at my computer, in my apartment and occasionally in fun and interesting places with sexy porn friends. As a voyeur, I know that I would find this kind of thing interesting to follow.

But, then the damn self-conscious editor gets into my head: “boring, who would want to read that, think of something interesting, stop being so lazy and do something with your life, that’s not even a sentence, etc”.

When I do porn I don’t think about the people around the world that will be looking at my naked body, I think about creating something new and important. I fuck like no one is watching. I know that people will appreciate what we’re doing and that turns me on.

Here I am exposing my thoughts and my life to you through writing. What will you think of me? What difference does it make, really? I’m not ashamed of my pussy and I should not be ashamed of my thoughts and their written form. You might not want to see me dance when I think no one’s looking, but here you can see me blog like no one is reading.

Traditionally, November has been one of my worst months out of the year. Bad things happen, mood is low, and it feels like a very long month. December I like. It’s a time to kick back, party with friends and family, look back over the year and make plans for the new one.

This November I’m going to take on a few projects that I’m hoping will make November a better month.

November is novel writing month (NaNoWriMo) so I’m taking this opportunity to try my hand at writing again. I wrote for the Three-Day Novel writing contest which was super fun. My goal early this year was to write my Porn Manifesto. So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Along side with writing this manifesto, I’m going to document – journal style – all the things I do this month related to creating porn and running my website, GoodDykePorn.com. So, whether this month turns out great or not I’m hoping that writing about it will make it interesting, anyway.

Earlier this year I made a list of 101 Things To Do. And there is still plenty on that list that I still need to do.
I have a huge TO DO list and I’m going to tackle as much as I can in November. That way, I have something to write about, a limited time frame to push myself and hopefully an alignment between my vision (manifesto) and my actions (journal).

Here is where we’re starting:
This past week has been November-esque in the sense that I have lost (more like misplaced) a lot of media that I need for the website. Specifically the footage that I intended to post on the site this past weekend. I’m hoping that by the end of this week I’ll have it all worked out and be done with “unfortunate luck” for a little while.
[To see the live performance version of the upcoming scene - go to the Updates Page on GoodDykePorn.com.]

Also, we’re essentially starting from nowhere. I haven’t been writing on this blog for a while and the website has only just begun the new updates. So, writing the Manifesto is going to be about the vision of Good Dyke Porn™ and the documentation of Bren Ryder working GoodDykePorn.com is going to show my attempt to put that vision into action.

I’ll keep you updated on my writing progress and work activities for the month of November. To get the latest updates and excerpts from the upcoming Manifesto, subscribe to this blog or follow me on Twitter.

Wish me luck!

I lost all my data due to my own error so now I need to reload all the previous posts and get this baby up and running.

Stay tuned.

Recently, I was named #17 in a list of 100 Top Hot Butches. This list was created by Sinclair Sexsmith of The Sugarbutch Chronicles and judged by a panel of other bloggers and friends.

First of all, I have to say that I am completely honoured to be included on the list and thrilled that I made Top 20. One of the main criteria for being included on the list (besides having masculine appearance and being attractive to the panelists) was doing something in the public sphere in 2009. It is so validating to be noticed. That was the goal. I was even given the title of “Porn Pioneer”. Talk about making your dreams come true. One day I decide I’d like to change the face of queer porn, the next day I’m being referred to as a porn pioneer on a list that includes so many incredible artists.

The thing that I love about this list is that it’s saying something really important: Butches are hot!

At the beginning of my adult life I had a phase of heterosexuality, which was fine. I dated guys, then moved onto the next phase. The one thing that really hit me when I came out was that I went from being an ugly straight girl to a hot lesbian. It was really interesting to experience (and oh so fun). Hotness is in the eye of the beholder. And butch hotness is becoming more and more widely accepted. We can talk about the politics and flaws in deeming someone hot or not until we’re blue in the face, but I’d like to praise the evolution of hotness that is now including people like butches and queers. This is a new development. Granted, this list is still an event within our little queer corner, but, it still makes an impact.

There were some murmurings of controversy regarding the inclusion of trans guys in the list. I read some opinions and I see what they’re saying, but I think sometimes gender politics can take itself a little too seriously. From my understanding some people (not the people listed themselves) didn’t like the inclusion of transmen in a list of masculine women. The inclusion apparently invalided their maleness. I don’t buy it.

In my opinion, using words that include a lot of different types of people is liberating. And what those words happen to be will change over time. Gay, queer, butch, femme, trans: they have all had different meanings in the past and are going to have different meanings in the future. Some of us have word preferences. Sinclair likes butch and wants to change people’s mental image of what a butch is. I like ‘dyke’ (as in GoodDykePorn.com) and want to change people’s mental image of what a dyke is, in particular what dyke porn is. Good Dyke Porn is inclusive. Those are words that I strung together. The people themselves identify in many many different ways: queer, bisexual, trans, butch, femme, male, female, genderqueer, top, bottom, and who knows what else.

This Top Hot Butches list is a celebration of butches who are doing work that’s important to them that other people see. Why wouldn’t transguys be included? To me, being is butch is mostly about outward appearance. It’s about a natural masculine expression. The actual experience of being a butch is as varied as there are butches. Some are writers, pornographers, actors, singers, musicians, performance artists, and theorists. Some are tops, bottoms, celibate, have tits, have no tits, transitioned genders, never cry, great cooks, handy around the house, good with money, moody and you see where I’m going with this.

To follow the line of argument I’ve seen so far, yes, cisgender males can be butch too (I’m still getting used to that cis-word, it’s like some underground queer vernacular, but it works best for descriptive purposes). But they get more than their fair share of the spotlight, so let’s just leave them out of this. You’re in the queer bubble, people, follow along in your programs.

If someone created a list of 100 Top Trans Hotties and I was included on that list I wouldn’t mind. It’s not how I self-identify, but the purpose of having a public life is to share our work with the world. Put me on any kind of list you want. I’ll pay attention to the positive ones, ignore the negative and be grateful you’re learning about the work that I’m doing my best to create.

This past Sunday I had to work.

Over the years I’ve worked a variety of jobs and whenever possible I’ve always tried to keep Sundays free. No work on Sundays. I’ve even lied and told my employers that I couldn’t work Sundays because I had to go to church. To me, Sundays had to be the one day that I had off. It was sacred. No work on Sundays.

When working a “job” it’s always the days-off that become sacred because the days-on tend to be un-enjoyable. Now that I’m running my own business the days on have become sacred. I don’t overwork my business, though. I certainly make sure I take time off for myself and not spend all my time on the job. Even though it is my dream job I still take the weekends off. But, this Sunday, I worked. And, it was magical.

Trala La, a mutual friend and I rented a sauna at an old, beautiful and gritty steam bath house. We snuck our camera equipment into our private room and sauna and immediate got down to work. Using three cameras we captured the gorgeous Trala La shave from head to toe and enjoy some time with the water faucet. We even had some time left over in the end to all strip down and enjoy the sauna with the camera and equipment all put away.

For the rest of the day the three of us reported an indescribable high from the creative work we did that day.

Obviously, the events of the day weren’t exactly “work”. They were playful, creative, sexual, artistic, intimate, and fun. However, this is in fact my job. If I don’t do it then my objective with GoodDykePorn.com will suffer. If I don’t do it then the business will suffer and it will no longer serve as my job.

By recognizing the importance of my job and recognizing that doing this work is entirely necessary I am immediately filled with a feeling of bliss. This is my job. Everyday can be a joy. My life is better because of that fact. And, the world is better because my blissful job produces incredibly beautiful and important images of queer women. What could be better than that?

Now, Sundays are sacred because I work.

Yesterday I posted a scene of myself on GoodDykePorn.com – solo style. It was actually filmed a couple of years ago for the short film, Good Dyke Porn, that made its way around the festival circuit. Only about 10 seconds of that footage was included in the film. The reason I created it was for the sole purpose of exposing myself to everyone, to make myself completely vulnerable. I’ve always thought that the best art comes from people who have allowed themselves to be totally exposed and vulnerable. Usually that exposure isn’t sexual or nude in nature. It tends to be a raw exposure of their heart and soul.

The internet has been a great place for many bloggers to use their ability to write to expose their lives for public scrutiny. I have no doubt that many people revel in the privilege to voyeuristically judge friends and strangers anonymously from behind their computer screens. These days, peering into each others lives is common place. But, still, there is a lot of shame, negative connotations, and prohibition around exposing ourselves sexually.

I know so many women who feel badly about their bodies. It is unbelievable. I’m not immune to it myself. In fact, I love that I just so happened to be in the best shape of my life at the time my scene was shot. I definitely prefer to see less fat on my body. I’m still going to post another, more current solo scene – a few extra pounds and all. And, I keep trying to telling myself how much I appreciate the body that I do have: healthy, strong, moderately flexible, able body. But, it’s hard to escape a lifetime of pressure to be thin (never mind that, I believe our negative focus on our bodies actually makes us fatter).

Besides all the body issues, my mind focuses on the fear of exposing my sexuality. I don’t even want to articulate what those fears are. It seems silly to be self-conscious about something as individual as my genitals, my orgasms, the way I move and what gets me off. But, I’m so open to judgment. People may have a certain idea about how I should look and act and when that’s violated then – oh gosh what would they think? I’m being sarcastic now, because really, who gives a shit what people think? People are capable of judging me every minute of everyday. I can’t stop them.

I think we need to see more of women’s bodies getting off on their own terms: whether it’s a solo moment, an intimate coupling or a manifestation of a fantasy. Every woman has a beautiful outward expression of her sexuality. In my dream world there is no insecurity, no shame, no wishing and hoping for something we’re not. There is only pride, acceptance and confidence in our wet cunts and throbbing nipples.

When I started this project I never imagined that I was going to go in front of the camera. I am so shy and a little fearful of sex. But, I believe in my own philosophy so much so that I feel like my participation is itself a revolutionary act. I really do believe that women should be proud of their cunts and willing to reveal themselves as sexually vulnerable.

We are all different and I want to see those those differences. It starts with me.

Sing it now….”don’t want to be…all by myself…anymore”.

For the last two years-ish I’ve been building this business and running the website (GoodDykePorn.com) all by myself, mostly. There are plenty of people who have contributed to the business/website. Of course, the models are the most important contributors. Plus, there have been a few crew volunteers who have been there to hold the other camera and assist in other crew tasks. There has been plenty of support through encouragement and even financial support. I could not do this completely on my own, but…

When it comes right down to it, though, I am doing all this on my own. I shoot the video of the incredible and brave women having sex (sometimes with another camera operator), edit it, sometimes make music for it, encode the video for web download, upload it to the website, then blog about it. Everything that the website requires – updates, code changes, new additions, and reworking the format – is done by me alone. So far I’ve been doing my accounting by myself. I tried to hire out the work initially, but it was too expensive so I took it back to do myself, which means I have a lovely pile of accounting work ready to be done “someday”. Marketing is also my responsibility – which could have something to do with the slow (but steady) rise of GoodDykePorn to the minds of dykes and porn watchers around the world. I had a friend who expressed interest in getting involved on a few occasions but that never panned out.

I think my biggest struggle with doing things all by myself is that I really like it that way. I struggle with it because it seems like for a business to work properly and to live up to it’s full potential it needs multiple people with all the right skills working to make it great. I just made myself a filmmaker, editor, marketer, accountant, webmaster and blogger simply by doing it. I didn’t do those things before. I’ve been learning by doing and I want to keep doing it. If I followed the business way of doing things then I’d be the business operator and I’d have experts in filmmaking, editing, marketing, accounting and webmastering on my team who do the work in the way that jives with my vision. Instead, I feel like a solitary artist who meticulously, step-by-step, job-by-job, task-by-task works to create a business that jives with my vision.

When it comes right down to it though, it comes right down to the money. As a new independent porn producer who mostly caters to women I’m not exactly raking in the cash. I’d love to hire out a few things like marketing and accounting, but any money that does come in needs to be used to make more DVD’s, or make more scenes, or to pay back start-up loans, or to compensate myself for all the work that I do put into this venture.

I’m happy right now. I’m optimistic about the future. I feel confident that I can do everything that is required of me. I’m not a natural marketer. I love to procrastinate. But, I have a list in front of me that has 101 tasks to do and I will do it. I’m going to revel in the omniscient power over GoodDykePorn while it lasts. My progress may be slow, but I think slow is beautiful. I have such an incredible job. It suits me perfectly. And I’m doing it all by myself.

I’d rather ask you back to my place, but instead I’ve decided to give myspace.com another try. Earlier, they deleted my account for having a link to my website, GoodDykePorn.com. I didn’t have anything nudity on the profile just a banner and a link. After getting deleted I read the fine print and sure enough, they prohibit links to porno sites. I hate that I actually have to read those damn Terms of Service things every time I want to access a service online.

Myspace seems like a useful place for people around the world to find me and get to know what I’m about and catch up on the latest happenings without having to go to the site directly. Understandably, people get worried about accessing anything porn without first knowing that it’s trustworthy.

So, please be my friend. Send me a message, leave a comment or just visit. I’m here for you, babe.

Also, you can find me on facebook.com and I’d be delighted if you’d befriend me there. I’m much more active on there then I am on myspace, but I’ll do my best to keep myspace current, as well.

Okay, two goals: one personal goal and one professional goal.

Coming up with only one goal for these two areas of my life was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I knew I’d have to spend some time really thinking about what’s important. I have a ton of tasks that I want to do: make volume 2 DVD, shoots hot sexy scenes, update website, promote more effectively, lose weight, cut out junk food, socialize more, etc, etc.

But, none of those things are the number one most important thing to do. Looking at one of those tasks as my single solitary goal for my life is very unexciting. A goal must be exciting. It must be worth the effort. It must be so compelling that when I browse the internet aimlessly I’ll immediately recognize that what I’m doing isn’t getting me closer to my be-all-end-all GOAL.

Of course, even the life of a dyke pornographer can’t be that passionate and exciting all the time, but I thought about it a lot and I’ve finally come up with one personal goal and one professional goal.

The personal goal is a simple one and so simple and straight-forward that I’m not sure if it’s the right one.

PERSONAL GOAL: Pay off my debt.

I struggled with this one because I feel like I focus a bit too much on it. I’m constantly checking balances, working and reworking my debt reduction system, reading finance books and blogs, planning, planning and more planning. When really the only thing I need to do is make more money for a couple of years and it’s done. My goal for last year was also to pay off my debt. Initially, I immediately rejected it as a primary goal because I thought my obsession was a bit unhealthy. But, then I came to the conclusion that sometimes obsessions need to be cultivated. I’m such a laid back, slow-is-beautiful kind of person that I could use some more obsession in my life. Obsessing over debt and striving towards a zero balance is not exactly a sexy goal, but I’m going to use this opportunity to exercise my obsessive power until this goal is achieved.

Now, the fun part – the professional goal. I love my job and making goals for work is uber sexy. Like I mentioned before, the tasks sometimes aren’t so sexy: new graphics, find help, update accounting system, create new customer database. Therefore, none of those things are my primary goal. Those things must serve my primary goal.

PROFESSIONAL GOAL: Create Good Dyke Porn™ Manifesto.

This gets me excited. The Good Dyke Porn™ Manifesto is everything. It’s the website, the promotion, the content, words describing our mission, a book perhaps, a new DVD, a documentary film or simply brainstorm scratches on a pad of paper.

This year my goal is to create the manifesto. Maybe the next goal will be to deliver the manifesto (through promotion, selling, etc). But first, I must solidify exactly what it is I’m doing, meaning to say, the impact I’m intending to make and manifest it into media for others to understand. The vision in my business plan and goals from two years ago need to leap in front of the eyes of the world so that everyone can understand Good Dyke Porn.

This is exciting. This is about creation. Now, everything that I do from writing this blog to filming a scene or hiring a helper needs to serve this goal: to create the manifesto.

Of course, I still have to do my accounting and release media that, while in line with the manifesto, isn’t exactly the manifesto itself. But, the awesome thing about creating the manifesto is that once I have it written in a frame in my office (another creative form) then all minor or major tasks will be serving that mission statement.

This creative goal is going to take more than one form and I’m going to leave that open. I’ll know when the creative process for the manifesto is done. At that time I’ll begin to focus on a new thrilling goal.