Bren Ryder

Recently, I was named #17 in a list of 100 Top Hot Butches. This list was created by Sinclair Sexsmith of The Sugarbutch Chronicles and judged by a panel of other bloggers and friends.

First of all, I have to say that I am completely honoured to be included on the list and thrilled that I made Top 20. One of the main criteria for being included on the list (besides having masculine appearance and being attractive to the panelists) was doing something in the public sphere in 2009. It is so validating to be noticed. That was the goal. I was even given the title of “Porn Pioneer”. Talk about making your dreams come true. One day I decide I’d like to change the face of queer porn, the next day I’m being referred to as a porn pioneer on a list that includes so many incredible artists.

The thing that I love about this list is that it’s saying something really important: Butches are hot!

At the beginning of my adult life I had a phase of heterosexuality, which was fine. I dated guys, then moved onto the next phase. The one thing that really hit me when I came out was that I went from being an ugly straight girl to a hot lesbian. It was really interesting to experience (and oh so fun). Hotness is in the eye of the beholder. And butch hotness is becoming more and more widely accepted. We can talk about the politics and flaws in deeming someone hot or not until we’re blue in the face, but I’d like to praise the evolution of hotness that is now including people like butches and queers. This is a new development. Granted, this list is still an event within our little queer corner, but, it still makes an impact.

There were some murmurings of controversy regarding the inclusion of trans guys in the list. I read some opinions and I see what they’re saying, but I think sometimes gender politics can take itself a little too seriously. From my understanding some people (not the people listed themselves) didn’t like the inclusion of transmen in a list of masculine women. The inclusion apparently invalided their maleness. I don’t buy it.

In my opinion, using words that include a lot of different types of people is liberating. And what those words happen to be will change over time. Gay, queer, butch, femme, trans: they have all had different meanings in the past and are going to have different meanings in the future. Some of us have word preferences. Sinclair likes butch and wants to change people’s mental image of what a butch is. I like ‘dyke’ (as in GoodDykePorn.com) and want to change people’s mental image of what a dyke is, in particular what dyke porn is. Good Dyke Porn is inclusive. Those are words that I strung together. The people themselves identify in many many different ways: queer, bisexual, trans, butch, femme, male, female, genderqueer, top, bottom, and who knows what else.

This Top Hot Butches list is a celebration of butches who are doing work that’s important to them that other people see. Why wouldn’t transguys be included? To me, being butch is mostly about outward appearance. It’s about a natural masculine expression. The actual experience of being a butch is as varied as there are butches. Some are writers, pornographers, actors, singers, musicians, performance artists, and theorists. Some are tops, bottoms, celibate, have tits, have no tits, transitioned genders, never cry, great cooks, handy around the house, good with money, moody and you see where I’m going with this.

To follow the line of argument I’ve seen so far, yes, cisgender males can be butch too (I’m still getting used to that cis-word, it’s like some underground queer vernacular, but it works best for descriptive purposes). But they get more than their fair share of the spotlight, so let’s just leave them out of this. You’re in the queer bubble, people, follow along in your programs.

If someone created a list of 100 Top Trans Hotties and I was included on that list I wouldn’t mind. It’s not how I self-identify, but the purpose of having a public life is to share our work with the world. Put me on any kind of list you want. I’ll pay attention to the positive ones, ignore the negative and be grateful you’re learning about the work that I’m doing my best to create.

This past Sunday I had to work.

Over the years I’ve worked a variety of jobs and whenever possible I’ve always tried to keep Sundays free. No work on Sundays. I’ve even lied and told my employers that I couldn’t work Sundays because I had to go to church. To me, Sundays had to be the one day that I had off. It was sacred. No work on Sundays.

When working a “job” it’s always the days-off that become sacred because the days-on tend to be un-enjoyable. Now that I’m running my own business the days on have become sacred. I don’t overwork my business, though. I certainly make sure I take time off for myself and not spend all my time on the job. Even though it is my dream job I still take the weekends off. But, this Sunday, I worked. And, it was magical.

Trala La, a mutual friend and I rented a sauna at an old, beautiful and gritty steam bath house. We snuck our camera equipment into our private room and sauna and immediate got down to work. Using three cameras we captured the gorgeous Trala La shave from head to toe and enjoy some time with the water faucet. We even had some time left over in the end to all strip down and enjoy the sauna with the camera and equipment all put away.

For the rest of the day the three of us reported an indescribable high from the creative work we did that day.

Obviously, the events of the day weren’t exactly “work”. They were playful, creative, sexual, artistic, intimate, and fun. However, this is in fact my job. If I don’t do it then my objective with GoodDykePorn.com will suffer. If I don’t do it then the business will suffer and it will no longer serve as my job.

By recognizing the importance of my job and recognizing that doing this work is entirely necessary I am immediately filled with a feeling of bliss. This is my job. Everyday can be a joy. My life is better because of that fact. And, the world is better because my blissful job produces incredibly beautiful and important images of queer women. What could be better than that?

Now, Sundays are sacred because I work.

Yesterday I posted a scene of myself on GoodDykePorn.com – solo style. It was actually filmed a couple of years ago for the short film, Good Dyke Porn, that made its way around the festival circuit. Only about 10 seconds of that footage was included in the film. The reason I created it was for the sole purpose of exposing myself to everyone, to make myself completely vulnerable. I’ve always thought that the best art comes from people who have allowed themselves to be totally exposed and vulnerable. Usually that exposure isn’t sexual or nude in nature. It tends to be a raw exposure of their heart and soul.

The internet has been a great place for many bloggers to use their ability to write to expose their lives for public scrutiny. I have no doubt that many people revel in the privilege to voyeuristically judge friends and strangers anonymously from behind their computer screens. These days, peering into each others lives is common place. But, still, there is a lot of shame, negative connotations, and prohibition around exposing ourselves sexually.

I know so many women who feel badly about their bodies. It is unbelievable. I’m not immune to it myself. In fact, I love that I just so happened to be in the best shape of my life at the time my scene was shot. I definitely prefer to see less fat on my body. I’m still going to post another, more current solo scene – a few extra pounds and all. And, I keep trying to telling myself how much I appreciate the body that I do have: healthy, strong, moderately flexible, able body. But, it’s hard to escape a lifetime of pressure to be thin (never mind that, I believe our negative focus on our bodies actually makes us fatter).

Besides all the body issues, my mind focuses on the fear of exposing my sexuality. I don’t even want to articulate what those fears are. It seems silly to be self-conscious about something as individual as my genitals, my orgasms, the way I move and what gets me off. But, I’m so open to judgment. People may have a certain idea about how I should look and act and when that’s violated then – oh gosh what would they think? I’m being sarcastic now, because really, who gives a shit what people think? People are capable of judging me every minute of everyday. I can’t stop them.

I think we need to see more of women’s bodies getting off on their own terms: whether it’s a solo moment, an intimate coupling or a manifestation of a fantasy. Every woman has a beautiful outward expression of her sexuality. In my dream world there is no insecurity, no shame, no wishing and hoping for something we’re not. There is only pride, acceptance and confidence in our wet cunts and throbbing nipples.

When I started this project I never imagined that I was going to go in front of the camera. I am so shy and a little fearful of sex. But, I believe in my own philosophy so much so that I feel like my participation is itself a revolutionary act. I really do believe that women should be proud of their cunts and willing to reveal themselves as sexually vulnerable.

We are all different and I want to see those those differences. It starts with me.

Sing it now….”don’t want to be…all by myself…anymore”.

For the last two years-ish I’ve been building this business and running the website (GoodDykePorn.com) all by myself, mostly. There are plenty of people who have contributed to the business/website. Of course, the models are the most important contributors. Plus, there have been a few crew volunteers who have been there to hold the other camera and assist in other crew tasks. There has been plenty of support through encouragement and even financial support. I could not do this completely on my own, but…

When it comes right down to it, though, I am doing all this on my own. I shoot the video of the incredible and brave women having sex (sometimes with another camera operator), edit it, sometimes make music for it, encode the video for web download, upload it to the website, then blog about it. Everything that the website requires – updates, code changes, new additions, and reworking the format – is done by me alone. So far I’ve been doing my accounting by myself. I tried to hire out the work initially, but it was too expensive so I took it back to do myself, which means I have a lovely pile of accounting work ready to be done “someday”. Marketing is also my responsibility – which could have something to do with the slow (but steady) rise of GoodDykePorn to the minds of dykes and porn watchers around the world. I had a friend who expressed interest in getting involved on a few occasions but that never panned out.

I think my biggest struggle with doing things all by myself is that I really like it that way. I struggle with it because it seems like for a business to work properly and to live up to it’s full potential it needs multiple people with all the right skills working to make it great. I just made myself a filmmaker, editor, marketer, accountant, webmaster and blogger simply by doing it. I didn’t do those things before. I’ve been learning by doing and I want to keep doing it. If I followed the business way of doing things then I’d be the business operator and I’d have experts in filmmaking, editing, marketing, accounting and webmastering on my team who do the work in the way that jives with my vision. Instead, I feel like a solitary artist who meticulously, step-by-step, job-by-job, task-by-task works to create a business that jives with my vision.

When it comes right down to it though, it comes right down to the money. As a new independent porn producer who mostly caters to women I’m not exactly raking in the cash. I’d love to hire out a few things like marketing and accounting, but any money that does come in needs to be used to make more DVD’s, or make more scenes, or to pay back start-up loans, or to compensate myself for all the work that I do put into this venture.

I’m happy right now. I’m optimistic about the future. I feel confident that I can do everything that is required of me. I’m not a natural marketer. I love to procrastinate. But, I have a list in front of me that has 101 tasks to do and I will do it. I’m going to revel in the omniscient power over GoodDykePorn while it lasts. My progress may be slow, but I think slow is beautiful. I have such an incredible job. It suits me perfectly. And I’m doing it all by myself.

I’d rather ask you back to my place, but instead I’ve decided to give myspace.com another try. Earlier, they deleted my account for having a link to my website, GoodDykePorn.com. I didn’t have anything nudity on the profile just a banner and a link. After getting deleted I read the fine print and sure enough, they prohibit links to porno sites. I hate that I actually have to read those damn Terms of Service things every time I want to access a service online.

Myspace seems like a useful place for people around the world to find me and get to know what I’m about and catch up on the latest happenings without having to go to the site directly. Understandably, people get worried about accessing anything porn without first knowing that it’s trustworthy.

So, please be my friend. Send me a message, leave a comment or just visit. I’m here for you, babe.

Also, you can find me on facebook.com and I’d be delighted if you’d befriend me there. I’m much more active on there then I am on myspace, but I’ll do my best to keep myspace current, as well.

Okay, two goals: one personal goal and one professional goal.

Coming up with only one goal for these two areas of my life was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I knew I’d have to spend some time really thinking about what’s important. I have a ton of tasks that I want to do: make volume 2 DVD, shoots hot sexy scenes, update website, promote more effectively, lose weight, cut out junk food, socialize more, etc, etc.

But, none of those things are the number one most important thing to do. Looking at one of those tasks as my single solitary goal for my life is very unexciting. A goal must be exciting. It must be worth the effort. It must be so compelling that when I browse the internet aimlessly I’ll immediately recognize that what I’m doing isn’t getting me closer to my be-all-end-all GOAL.

Of course, even the life of a dyke pornographer can’t be that passionate and exciting all the time, but I thought about it a lot and I’ve finally come up with one personal goal and one professional goal.

The personal goal is a simple one and so simple and straight-forward that I’m not sure if it’s the right one.

PERSONAL GOAL: Pay off my debt.

I struggled with this one because I feel like I focus a bit too much on it. I’m constantly checking balances, working and reworking my debt reduction system, reading finance books and blogs, planning, planning and more planning. When really the only thing I need to do is make more money for a couple of years and it’s done. My goal for last year was also to pay off my debt. Initially, I immediately rejected it as a primary goal because I thought my obsession was a bit unhealthy. But, then I came to the conclusion that sometimes obsessions need to be cultivated. I’m such a laid back, slow-is-beautiful kind of person that I could use some more obsession in my life. Obsessing over debt and striving towards a zero balance is not exactly a sexy goal, but I’m going to use this opportunity to exercise my obsessive power until this goal is achieved.

Now, the fun part – the professional goal. I love my job and making goals for work is uber sexy. Like I mentioned before, the tasks sometimes aren’t so sexy: new graphics, find help, update accounting system, create new customer database. Therefore, none of those things are my primary goal. Those things must serve my primary goal.

PROFESSIONAL GOAL: Create Good Dyke Porn™ Manifesto.

This gets me excited. The Good Dyke Porn™ Manifesto is everything. It’s the website, the promotion, the content, words describing our mission, a book perhaps, a new DVD, a documentary film or simply brainstorm scratches on a pad of paper.

This year my goal is to create the manifesto. Maybe the next goal will be to deliver the manifesto (through promotion, selling, etc). But first, I must solidify exactly what it is I’m doing, meaning to say, the impact I’m intending to make and manifest it into media for others to understand. The vision in my business plan and goals from two years ago need to leap in front of the eyes of the world so that everyone can understand Good Dyke Porn.

This is exciting. This is about creation. Now, everything that I do from writing this blog to filming a scene or hiring a helper needs to serve this goal: to create the manifesto.

Of course, I still have to do my accounting and release media that, while in line with the manifesto, isn’t exactly the manifesto itself. But, the awesome thing about creating the manifesto is that once I have it written in a frame in my office (another creative form) then all minor or major tasks will be serving that mission statement.

This creative goal is going to take more than one form and I’m going to leave that open. I’ll know when the creative process for the manifesto is done. At that time I’ll begin to focus on a new thrilling goal.

I love this time of year. When the new year approaches I always take time to look back at the past year and make goals and plans and resolutions for the new year. I’m not too concerned about the resolutions. They consist of the usual fair – eat better, exercise more. But, it’s not my goal to follow my resolutions all year long. They’ll naturally fluctuate throughout the year and I’m perfectly happy with that.

I don’t even remember what my resolutions were last year. Probably similar health habits and work habits. Looking back at 2008, I did make a major change in my exercise habits and began going to the gym 5 times a week first thing in the morning. December has been a bit of a write-off but September to November was amazing.

Looking back at Good Dyke Porn™ there have been a lot of accomplishments.

The website was only (a)live for 6 months at the beginning of 2008. The film festival film made a nice circuit in 2007 and the film went to Australia and Paris and Israel in 2008.

*I started this blog – BrenRyder.com

*I received a Feminist Porn Award: The Golden Beaver Award for Canadian Content.

*I published the first DVD – The Best of GoodDykePorn.com Volume 1

- Canadian Distributor for the DVD – Come As You Are
- US Distributor – Babeland
- The DVD available on three VOD websites.
(all new income)

…my favorite accomplishment:
*I lived off the earning from my business for 6 months out of the year. (And learned how to live on very little.)

Besides these physical accomplishments there have been many new connections made with queer revolutionaries, new models, supportive fans, and porn allies. Not to mention the incredible new fucking sex scenes that we’ve accumulated over the past year.

Now I have a huge list of goals for the new year, but I don’t want to get too crazy about trying to do too much because look at all the incredible things that can happen in a year – and that’s just a small business summary. Looking at blogs, the one piece of advice that I found is to come up with One Personal Goal and One Business Goal. So, out of my huge list of goals for the coming year I need to figure out which ONE is most important. If I could only accomplish that ONE goal what would it be? For 2008, that goal was definitely publishing our first DVD. And we did it!

Coming up with only one goal to focus on is not as easy as it looks, but it’s a perfect strategy for lazy easily distracted people like myself.

ONE GOAL – well, two really – one personal, one business. I’ll be back with what that is as soon as I figure it out.

I am working on a porn revolution. But did you know that I’m on a spiritual journey? Celebrating female sexuality is the easy part. It fits perfectly into my path and I believe in it. Money, however, is the hardest part of my spiritual journey to get a handle on. I’ve done okay for myself – relative to a homeless person. But I struggle to achieve the kind of financial abundance that I dream about. And I’m not talking about mansions and fast cars. I’d be happy to elevate beyond starving artist. So what have I learned from all this poverty and insecurity? What wisdom can I pass on?

Let’s brainstorm: Money is important. It does great things – pays off debt, buys gifts, finances churches and history-making election campaigns. Without money charity wouldn’t exist. Without money what would we stress about? The middle-class dream is to earn more than you spend, have nice things and a big savings account for retirement and emergencies. It doesn’t seem like a lot to ask for. But, there aren’t very many people who are content with their financial situation. Which means they must be spending more than they earn, have desires for more things and/or have an insufficient amount of savings.

Money is meant to be a tool. It’s meant to get your needs fulfilled in exchange for something: your time, your expertise, your objects. Is it a tool? Or, is it oxygen? Can we live without money? No.

Okay, so if money is like oxygen, then money sustains life. That is absolutely true. Literally, we cannot live without food and water and we pay for these things (plus shelter). Figuratively speaking, money breaths life into a business, a charity organization, an artistic project, a campaign, a demonstration, to name a few. Money is life. That I believe. But I have a hard time believing that money will always be there. Why? Because it won’t. Like life itself, it can end at anytime. I feel more confident that I will live another day than I do that money will return another day. I feel more confident that I will remain healthy for years to come than I do that I will have a steady income and a healthy balance on my accounts.

Life has no guarantee. I accept that life will someday end: for me, my loved ones, and everyone. I accept it because I have no control over it. I can do my part by breathing in and out, eating right, exercising and appreciating every day that I do have. Now, apply that to money.

I can’t control the money. Not in the grand scale. If I were to ever lose my money it would be completely beyond my control. What I can do is control “diet and exercise”. Every action I take, every mistake I make, and every success I see is a learning experience. I’ve learned that when I have a friend to go with I can get to the gym every morning. I can’t control the presence of viruses, contracting illnesses or sudden accidents, but I can get to the gym when I set up my schedule in a way that works for me.

So far, with money, I’ve discovered that I can no longer borrow money. Not for business, not temporarily, not for any reason. This decision has changed my financial situation immensely. Suddenly, I have achieved an important goal: make more than I spend. I make sure that happens no matter what. Being self-employed so my income is variable, but now that I’ve vowed to never borrow ever again, I make it work everyday.

That’s what’s working for me. That’s what I’ve learned about myself. That I can control – my spending, my guidelines. What I truly want, though, is for all of my debt to be paid off and a nice huge savings account to save me from financial emergencies. And I want that as soon as possible.

Let go of the outcome.

When life is the outcome, how do you let go? As a person who may be struggling with a terminal illness you know the intense difficulty in letting go of the outcome: staying alive. It seems like everyday all of us are fearing the death of abundance. So much so that it’s actually stifling our growth. Just like a highly stressed and angry person is stifling their own life and health. When we worry about money it’s like we’re worrying about death.

I never worry about having too much money. It’s always the opposite. So, to worry about losing money is like worrying about death. I choose not to worry about death, so it’s time to make a change in my thinking about money. If I’m worrying about money, then I’m worrying about death. And since I believe that whatever we focus on comes into being then I would never focus on death. Thus, it doesn’t make any sense to focus on the potential financial shortfall. In fact, it’s standing in my way of truly living, truly experiencing abundance.

A lot of us have a hard time with money. Financial experts are experiencing huge abundance to try to help us overcome our fears around money. We’ve mostly been taught that money is either good or evil. But it is neither. Or is it both?

Money is money. Life is life. Death is death. Money is life and money is death – metaphorically speaking, of course. When we worry about money, then we’re focusing on money as death. But, when we appreciate money and believe in the power of money, then we are focusing on money as life. Which is “better”? Life, of course. It’s easy for us spiritualists to believe in life and appreciate it, but now we need to translate that faith into our money. Money is an integral part of life and needs to be held up as important as life because it is life.

Until our society completely changes our system of exchange (not likely to ever happen), then money will be our currency of life. I am a healthy woman and I appreciate that. I live a good life and I appreciate that. Because of the society I grew up in I have a hard time believing that I deserve money as much as I deserve flexible limbs and a strong heart. That has to change. Money is life. And what I choose to do with it will change the world. As I change, then the world will change with me.

Ever since I can remember I’ve been lazy – or at least that’s what I was told. And maybe that’s why I embrace the lazy label so readily – because there’s been more than one loved one who’s mentioned it. Sometimes I try really hard to overcome this obstacle, this being lazy. If only I could stop being so lazy then I’d be able to accomplish so much. I’d make more money, my house would be cleaner, I’d be more knowledgeable, I’d eat better, I’d be healthier. Wow, life would be so much better if only I wasn’t lazy.

Bullshit. I’m all for personal development and GSD (Getting Shit Done), but sometimes you just have to let that go. I don’t know if I really am lazy or if I’m just addicted to boring activities. Everybody procrastinates, but it always gets done… eventually. Besides, I’m so gifted at taking pleasure in doing nothing. How can that be bad?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be a millionaire. By the time I’m old that’s going to have to be a bare minimum when it comes to real estate and retirement funds. I’m used to living in poverty – typical starving artist. Maybe if I worked harder then I’d make more money. Maybe if I make more money I’ll be happier. Happier? Is that even possible? I’m delighted by the simple prospect of spending hours doing absolutely nothing. So, how could the words “lazy” and “millionaire” be put side-by-side?

I’m willing to explore the possibility that things can happen in a way that’s completely contrary to what we’re led to believe. When I was young I was let to believe that the “lesbian lifestyle” was going to be a hard life: people wouldn’t treat me right, society wouldn’t accept my partnerships as legitimate, and I would never have a real family. I think overcoming those self-limiting beliefs is the reason why queers are a bit behind on careers and relationships – rather than the other theory that we need to overcome society’s oppression.

What if I can be who I am AND have a healthy and successful life? What if I can have enough money, be healthy and fit, have a good relationship AND be lazy. Maybe this character trait that people refer to as being lazy is actually something wonderful. Being a lesbian has turned out to be completely different from what I was led to believe. It turns out that being gay is actually better than being straight.

I’m going to start believing that being lazy is the superior way to live your life. The key here is to eliminate any sign of guilt when I’m being lazy. I can’t be guilty for following a path to happiness. That would be like having internalized lazybonesiphobia. It can only slow me down. Well, you know, slow me down more.

I vow to be lazy, to never feel guilty about it and to ultimately achieve my wildest dreams.

I am living my dream by making my life and my business all about creating dyke porn that women love. When I first created the name, “Good Dyke Porn™” for the outlet of creating this porn I thought I was going to hear a few comments like, “nice try, porn yes, good no” or “an attempt at something good, but…”

I think most of us women who are following dreams and making things happen tend to have an imposter syndrome and sometimes doubt our worthiness of compliments or praise or even certain leadership roles. Since this is a job like anything else there are days that are easier than others and sometimes I have days where I feel discouraged, like I’m spinning my wheels or work feels pointless.

To combat those days I’ve compiled a document that I refer to whenever I need some encouragement. It’s a file that has quotes from reviews and emails from people who have incredibly wonderful things to say.

I’m so grateful to receive such comments. Not only do I actually get to create “my” work, but people actually love it! What more could I ask for? Below is a sample of the comments that I get to look at whenever I want to. They aren’t credited. For a look at a complete review check out some recent glowing reviews by:

Essin’Em: “Bren Ryder has really done both the adult and queer communities justice with Good Dyke Porn. and
Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek: “I think Good Dyke Porn is an amazing site full of wonderful videos enjoyable to everyone even remotely queer (and in my world that’s just about everyone)..”

This is a small sample of my inspirational list of compliments:
(Ain’t life grand?)

• I never get turned on by porn (the usual made by a man for a man porn) but your production is great and I was turned on.
• My butch boi and I had an interesting night afterwards *cheers to you*.
• I am happy to be a straight man discovering all this amazing dyke porn. The stuff I watched of yours has this real and earnestness about it. I’ve never seen anything like it in porn I’ve consumed.
• I have to say I’m a major fan of Good Dyke Porn, and yours was definitely the hottest of all the screenings! I enjoyed the panel talk afterwards, too, everyone raised some really interesting points.
• I just wanted to say thanks for making such delicious feminist porn, that reflects a colourful spectrum of sexualities, all of which are hot in their own way. You’ve obviously worked really hard to do what you do, and I think everyone benefits from your work. It’s amazing.
• Congratulations on creating the best, most authentic site on the web.
• I just want to say that your site is absolutely amazing . . . from what I can see of preview videos and just your general attitude, I can already tell it’s wonderful.
• I love sights like yours, that have a unique personal vision…please keep up the good work.
• Good to finally see some decent porn on the web.
• just saw your site for the first time and have to say it looks awesome.
• I appreciate your art!! Brave. And incredibly sexy I might add…
• Good for you.
• Just thought I’d drop you a line to say congrats on your site. It’s VERY nice :0)
• Thanks for your work!
• I believe you offer lesbians a valuable product, and I admire your ambition, your skills, and your ability to convince attractive women to have sex on film for public consumption.
• Just for the record, I think what you do is awesome

Keep sending me encouraging messages. I appreciate every single one of them.