Bren Ryder

My muscles are aching. Right above my shoulder-blades is that good soreness. Holding the camera up to my grinning face for hour-long takes on our Femme Circle Jerk scene has left my muscles a little tired.

This weekend was a shooting weekend. The first one in a little while. All the models set their day aside to be on set for this amazing scene. After a few changes of plans the crew came together about an hour before we got started. The day quickly began to smoothly sail along as we all got settled into the living room of a friend of the Good Dyke Porn Team. The theme was simply for a group of femme queer women to get together, wear fun lingerie and masturbate with their favorite toys.

It was beautiful. The women were truly stunning. The orgasms were sweet, vocal, multiple and wore everyone out by the end of the day. I just kept thinking, This is so beautiful. By the end of the day I felt very proud of what we had done, eager to watch the footage and get started on the editing: one of my favorite parts of the job.

This euphoria was soon shattered when I realized that no audio was recorded at all. Not on either one of the cameras. Turns out the one camera that had working audio wasn’t plugged in properly. It was my fault. I was trying to do too many things at once. I had a great crew – just a few of us. I like to keep the crew fairly small to facilitate a more intimate environment. Unfortunately, I’m too unorganized to ensure that accidents like this don’t happen. Besides that I’m still trying to get the video off of the tape – yet another technical difficulty that I hope to overcome. The future of these beautiful images are uncertain and this fact was crushing to me. I felt so disappointed and worried that I was going to disappoint everyone who gave so much to the shoot – the models and the crew.

I am very conscious about remaining positive about my life not matter what is happening. When it comes to hard times, it could be A LOT worse. (Hello! Femme Circle Jerk!) I am hoping to recover some video, but sometimes these things happen. I’ve shot nearly 20 scenes and haven’t had any significant problems. I suppose I was due for a big one. But, besides that, I feel like this business needs to get organized.

Now my intention is to obsessively get organized and create systems to materialize my greatest dreams. Then I will use that same obsessive energy to decrease the amount of work I do to accomplish these dreams. It’s a vision I’ve had for myself and for what I want to accomplish for a long time.

This new phase of work is a combination of a few of my favorite books: anything by Deepak Chopra, Getting Things Done, 4 Hour Work Week, E Myth Mastery, The Type-Z Guide To Success: A Lazy Person’s Manifesto for Wealth and Fulfillment.

Can this lazy labourer make the business successful, create hyper-organized systems and orchestrate a life in line with a clear and inspiring vision? Stay tuned.

Day 8

I got up early, got my hour in first thing, went to work and came home and caught up on little things. It was a very positive day. Inspiring. Well, it was only half a day of work and the sun was shining so it was completely lovely.

Day 9

My goal for this experiment was to change the self-defeating belief that I didn’t have enough time in my day to get all the important work done on the business. Part of that experiment was to repeat the phrase, “I have a lot of time in my day”. And, wow, I am a lot more powerful than I thought I could be. As of today, I really do have a lot of time in my day. I was fired from my day job.

Day job over. Experiment over. No more condensed one hour days. It’s time to kick this shit into gear. Now, I have to make this work. I have to make this work make money. Or I don’t eat.

Day 4

Totally back on track today. I got the precious hour done first thing in the morning. It’s such a great start to the day. An intensely focused hour of doing only the work that will move the business forward. At one point I was checking something and caught myself and realized I wasn’t using the time as planned and immediately got my focus back.

And I’m actually saying that sentence: “I have a lot of time in my day”. I have it written down on an index card on my desk to remind me. I think I’m noticing the difference. The day doesn’t simply disappear when I’m conscious of the time that is there.

The most painful part of truly feeling all that time in my day is experiencing the agony of my day job. It’s taking everything I have in my to keep this job. I’m not sure if that’s laziness or if that’s a sign that I shouldn’t be doing that job or what, but for now I need to eat and pay for a roof over my head. I’m incredibly grateful that I have a job and that I can count on money coming in every two weeks. Someday I won’t need it, but for now I do. I accept that. Someday I’ll look back on this time with nostalgia. It’s the end of an era. It’s a simple life. The life of a window cleaner.

Day 5-7

Today was the first day of completely going off the rails. If I was following the habit forming “rules” then I’d have to start over and begin again at Day 1. The idea is that once you have successfully done 30 days of your preferred behaviour then the habit has been formed. I’ve only done the 30 day experiment once before and that was to form a habit to get up at 6am everyday. I did it. I got up everyday at 6am for 30 days straight. The habit didn’t exactly stick, but it’s a lot easier for me to get up then whenever I need to and I do intend to set up that habit again in the future.

For my experiment on changing my beliefs – from “I have no time” to “I have a lot of time in my day” – and squeezing all my most important work into one hour per day, I am going to keep going for the next 30 days. I want to stick with it. I’m not going to start over. I’m doing to observe myself over this time and keep trying to re-focus my attention on changing my beliefs and getting my important work done.

Tomorrow is another day. So far, I’ve learned that to get the most out of my “work hour” i need to do it before I go off to my day job. That’s not an easy task, but it’s incredibly effective. That’s what I’m going to try this week, everyday.

Day 1

I admit it. On my first day I cheated. I worked more than an hour. But the nearly two hours that I worked today felt really productive and focussed on what was essential work. Plus, I “worked” all day (I put that in quotes because I’d prefer to think of my work as what I do for Good Dyke Porn, not the 8 hours of window cleaning that I was referring to) and I had down time. It was a beautiful day.

As for the positive affirmation, I didn’t say it out loud three times. Well, actually, I did. I whispered it this morning, said it out loud on my way home from “work” and now as I’m about to go to bed… I’ll say it right now. There three times out loud. It feels a bit awkward saying a phrase outloud to myself, but it feels powerful at the same time. I have my essential tasks set up for tomorrow and I’m excited to get my work done – one hour at a time. As I get deeper into truly condensing work into a shorter time frame, I know my answer to accomplishing this is going to be.. to delegate.

Day 2

I got my hour in first thing in the morning and I am very glad of that. I am slowly starting to believe myself when I say (outloud) that I have plenty of time in my day. However, the last portion of my day was so unproductive that I feel incredibly relieved that I got that work in first thing in the morning. The great thing about this hour of work that I am doing is that the work that I have to do is VITAL work. It’s the work that needs to be done to move the business forward, to make money. I don’t spend this hour organizing my files or anything administrative. Only important business emails are allowed. And no planning during this time – only doing.

Besides working at this experiment to eliminate the self-defeating belief that I don’t have enough time, another important belief change is that I need a lot of time to get my work done. This “work hour” is intense and I get a lot of work done, but only what’s important. The only thing left to do for today is to decide what my most important tasks are for tomorrow morning.

Day 3

I didn’t do my “work hour” this morning before the work shift and damn it, but didn’t that just blow the whole day for working. Well, my task was just to put in one hour of work this evening and unfortunately that didn’t happen. It’s unbelievable how other tasks and persistent procrastination gets in the way of working on something that is so important to me.

The purpose of this experiment was to change my belief that I don’t have enough time to do everything. Turns out I have tons of time, but I don’t seem to be using it wisely. But, for now, I’m intending to focus on creating that time in my day. Tomorrow I will be sure to get that “work hour” over and done with first thing in the morning and continue to tell myself that I have a lot of time in a day.

After working my day job I am going to k.d. lang with two ex-girlfriends, so I’m not going to have time to work in the evening. And I won’t want anything weighing on me when I leave for the evening. The morning has to be my time to get the essential work done. I’m now going to review my tasks for that hour and makes sure that everything I’m doing is immediately vital to the success of the business.

I have a lot of time in my day. Believe it. It’s only Day 3.

The title of this blog is: “Confessions of a Pornographer”.  I confess, I am a pornographer.  As a pornographer, people make certain assumptions about me.  They assume that I’m sexually promiscuous, seeking out casual sex, attending sex parties and orgies on a regular basis.  And when I’m not doing that I’m watching hours and hours of porn.  Here’s the biggest confession of a pornographer:  none of that is true.  Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and I like porn.  I’d seriously be in the wrong line of work if I didn’t.  I also really like having sex on camera, which has surprised me.  I fancy myself quite the voyeur.  I confess, I like to watch.  But, being naked, exposed, vulnerable and fucking a woman equally as vulnerable is seriously hot.  I think there might be a touch of exhibitionist in me, after all.  Plus, it’s a really great excuse to have sex with someone who I might not have otherwise.  There’s no time for being shy or inhibited when the contracts are signed and the equipment rentals are booked.

In my personal life I don’t tend to have sex just for the sake of having sex.  I need to be really attracted to that person.  It’s a chemical reaction.  There are so MANY beautiful and amazing women in this world whom I love dearly.  But, there are so few with whom I feel that intense chemical reaction.  And when I do and she feels it too, watch out people, hot sex on the horizon.  Invariably, I’ll fall in love with her and either vow to spend the rest of life making her happy or I end up alone with the memory of the scent of her neck pining for what I’ll never have.

Interestingly enough, this doesn’t change much of my self-identification of a polyamorous porn star.  This intense sexual connection doesn’t only have to be with one person.  Chances are it won’t happen again for a long time, then wham multiple reactions all at once.  I say, don’t limit yourself.  When the connection is there, embrace it.  Life is a series of negotiations and intimate exchanges with people we love, just some more than others.

Welcome to my first musing. I am writing online for the first time without painstakingly editing and critiquing every word that I write. I’ve decided to completely expose myself and show you what goes on in my mind, with my body (porn), the business, my finances, my spirituality and my mistakes.

When I started this business I had no idea what I was doing. Now that a couple of years have gone by and the website (GoodDykePorn.com) has been live for nearly 10 months, I’ve learned a lot, but, I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m doing it anyway.

The beginning of this blog is definitely something new. It’s a level of sharing and exposure that I wasn’t prepared to do until now. Sure, you can go to the website and see my cunt, but to read my thoughts, to learn about my mistakes, to see my naiveté… that’s something completely new.

Enjoy.